Free To Cover

Not Alone

2012-02-11T07:25:00.003-05:00

I was getting ready to go to the Ten Year Anniversary Celebration Banquet of my former parish (we had to move due to job situation) last evening. I knew what I was going to wear and was dressed and all that, but of course...I felt that conviction to wear a head covering. I'm not an easy cover-er. I'm an angsty, "what will people think, oh no I'm so weird I hate this but I'll do it anyways" coverer. It is this thing, as I've written about in the past, that won't. let. me. go.

So, I was fretting. Again.

And the thought came to me: "B will be there. She wears a head scarf too." I think it was a comforting thought from the Comforter.

Now, this person is an acquaintance. I've only met her, like twice, briefly at Pan Orthodox stuff. There's NO WAY I could know that she'd be there. She wasn't a member of my old parish, and lives even further away than I do, AND her home parish is in a different jurisdiction.

What are the odds, right?

But she was. And it was SO encouraging to know that some of us are called to this, and that we are not alone.

In reality, I think there might have been at least two more ladies at the banquet, besides myself and "B" who were sporting coverings on our heads.

"B"'s initial has been changed to ensure privacy.

Baby Steps Towards Plain: Where I'm At...

2012-02-08T17:27:00.003-05:00

Well, I realized the other day that I'd sort of started a blog series about perhaps making baby steps towards plain, and then I dropped the ball.

The fact is, I'm focusing on getting my FOOD plain...my health care giver has put me on the GAPS diet and it is taking a ton of time and attention.

So, that's my excuse. But no, not really.

I think for me, for now, for where I am at, I am as plain as I'm gonna get.

I live in a big-for-me city and when we moved here I did notice a difference in how folks dress, compared the the smaller city and even-smaller town where I used to attend Church...I definitely feel like the country mouse visiting the city mouse in that children's book. Except I'm the country mouse who MOVED to the city.

It is true I will never "fit in" but at the same time, I don't want to utterly stand out, either. I'm odd enough wearing skirts and blouses and a fan-fold head covering or snood on most days. That's odd enough.

And there's the issue of representing my own faith tradition in a way that is somewhat identifiable and not looking like something "other" than what I am. I've blogged about this before.

I read an interesting article the other day...well, skimmed it actually, and it was someone's academic paper, written from a very liberal perspective, looking at the idea of women's dress being used as a form of social control. The study was examining, specifically, the Holdeman Mennonites.

I find that to be a very interesting notion and it does resonate with me. It got me asking the question: What am I looking for, for myself, in the desire to cover my head (other than simply being obedient to the Holy Scritpures)? In my yen for a "uniform" (not a me-wearing-the-same-thing-every-day uniform, but a "group identity uniform"? And the answer is a simple as it is obvious: I long for belonging, and I long for control and a sense of identity.

But see, these things cannot TRULY be gotten from the clothes I wear. Belonging, identity and control only come from Christ. I belong to the family of baptized believers. "As many as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ." Scripture even uses the language of clothing when it talks about this...about putting on Christ. And yes, wearing a head covering and dressing modestly does inspire self control in me. For that reason alone it is a good practice, and I shall continue it. At that point, my head covering becomes a spiritual tool, much like my prayer rope. And then there's my longing for identity. I long to be a part of a group that is visibly identifiable...and perhaps in a way I am. I know this stems in me from a sense of not-belonging that is the result of being a "third culture kid"...growing up with missionary parents. It does not help that I now attend an ethnic parish that often feels utterly forgeign to me. The love of Christ binds us together, though. I can rest in that. Whenever I feel like I don't belong, that is the evil one speaking to me. But going "plain" I feel, would be taking a step away from belonging within the community here where God has placed me, and towards a mere fantasy or dream.

I am an Orthodox Christian and my goal is to always walk in repentance, to draw near to Christ, to receive Him. All the tools I need for attaining these things have been given to me by my Orthodox Christian faith. I shall cling to them.

And if I, because I am uniquely myself...questionable taste in clothing and all...were to decide to sew myself a summer time dress in some ditsy print from Gehman's...well, that'd be OK, too.

Glory to God for all things!

Update on my life....

2011-12-20T22:55:00.004-05:00

I owe you all a blog post. Sorry it's been so long. Long story short: My health has taken a dramatic turn for the BETTER! My health care person put me on Armour Thyroid and it has made a huge positive difference in my health and energy levels. She also determined that I have all the symptoms of gluten intolerance and let me say this: When I went off gluten, my muscle pain was GONE within 24 hours. So now I am living the gluten and casein free lifestyle and am on thyroid meds.

Glory to God! Glory to God! Glory to God!

And I'm learning this: Chronic illness gave me the gift of prayer. Now that I'm well, it is MUCH, much, much more difficult to pray. When my brain was mush with fatigue, at least I could still breathe out the Jesus prayer. Now, my brain is active, a mile a minute and I feel like I'm starting from scratch with the "pray without ceasing" thing. Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

But I want to learn to pray as a well person, rather than go back to being a sick person.

As God wills!

I still struggle with all the same crap inside my head and heart. I am still permanently sad about my daughter and I am still really fat. I still have the same insecure personality.... But I have energy. Glory to God!

So I've been able to take up lifting weights again, which was my favorite form of exercise e.ver. back in the day before my health went kaplewy about nine years ago...and you know what they say about "muscle memory"?...that your muscles can regain strength pretty quickly if you've trained them before....well it is true! My dumbbells have been collecting dust since 2004 and already I'm using the #15 ones for upper body and the 20# ones for lower. I'm not an olympic athlete, but for a "beginner" that's pretty good and rapid strength build up. And I'm doing cardio. Plenty of it.

With the family we have been doing a Jesse Tree this Nativity Fast, and it's been nice. I've made most of the ornaments out of sculpey clay. I really enjoy the nightly Scripture readings. Need to post some pictures soon of our Jesse tree...it's a branch.

And I've been learning how to bake gluten free/casein free stuff, which is not that hard. Gluten free is a permanent change for me. I hope to re-introduce milk at some point after some gut healing takes place....after my next appointment, I'm sure there will be more to tell...about hormones and such.

All of it: Better than I deserve....

Baby Steps Towards Plain: Inspiration from a Desert Monk

2011-09-25T19:17:00.004-04:00

A desert monk was summoned to Alexandria one day by his bishop. As he entered the city, he saw a prostitute, and he started to weep. "Why are you weeping, Abba?" his disciples asked him. "Because," he replied, "I am afraid for the soul of this young woman. And I am also weeping because she takes more time and effort to be attractive to men than I do to acquire the grace of God."

This is a story that Father Alexis told in his homily this morning, and although I cannot remember the name of the dessert monk in this story, I content really struck me. "...more time and effort to be attractive...than to acquire the grace of God."

And that is what I want to write about today. I think having a "plain" heart, means that this be NOT the case. And then I thought of "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." "All these things" here is clothes, and the things we need for this life.

So it is important not to spend too much time dwelling on (obsessing over) one's clothes, one's head covering (or whether or not, blah blah blah), whether one is "plain enough" or whatever. Conversely it's important not to spent so much time in front of the mirror either in vanity and pride, or in vanity and self condemnation which is also a form of pride. Who are we to loath our selves? Who are we to belittle our own appearance? I did not create myself. I am not the one who decided to give me curly brown hair and huge eyebrows and a sharp chin, or whatever. Give glory to God! He knows exactly what our we need for the salvation of our souls and he gives us everything!

And the effort, dear friends, ought to be put towards acquiring the grace of God. The rest shall be added unto us as well.

Baby Steps Towards Plain: Definitions

2011-09-22T09:50:00.002-04:00

One of the things keeping me from jumping whole hog into wearing "plain" clothes is that "plain" as traditionally defined by the religious groups that practice it, is almost "costumey". One of the motivations is that they be "distinctive from the world".

However, in my little project, I need to find a happy medium. What does "plain" mean for me in my more urban context (people do dress differently here than they do in small town USA)?

I came across a wonderful definition of clothing versus costume that I want to share:

Costume could be anything we're wearing that is about deliberately projecting an image that's not aligned with our spirit & environment.

And in thinking about all of this, the other thing that comes to mind is that it's more about what's in my heart than what's on my body, although I believe that the outside will reflect the inside.

So my baby steps towards plain are going to involve more musings about my vanity, my attitudes, my simplicity of heart than they will about revamping my wardrobe or making/acquiring new clothes.

Having said that, I did make a wonderful brown jumper the other day and it is SO COMFORTABLE. And it feels "plain" when I wear it. Sort of a modern day plain. Not old fashioned. Not fashionable at all, but rather nondescript to the point of not even being "unfashionable". THAT is what I am aiming for: No drama. Just clothes.

How it Went

2011-09-21T18:13:00.000-04:00

SO....I had that appointment today and I really really liked my care giver. She's a nurse practitioner who is very very well informed and takes a holistic approach to her health care-giving. I filled out tons for forms and surveys for her, and my scores showed that I, for one thing, have an inflamed and leaky gut. We talked for a long time. Additionally, my scores on other forms I filled out show that most likely my thyroid, but also all my other hormones are a hot mess!

She was so well informed, listened to my concerns and was on the same page about lots of things: approves of raw milk drinking (although now I get to stick with raw goats milk), wants me to drink Kombucha and be on a gluten free/casein free diet. For starters. I'm seeing lots of bone broth in my future, I think. I've never been off dairy before, so that should be interesting. And I'll have to brush up on my gfcf knowledge base. Its been a few years since one of my kids tried that diet. The danger, I know, is that there's LOTS of gfcf junk food out there and that is NOT a trap I need to fall into on a regular basis. But it is nice to know it exists for special occasions...

So, the new diet. A new supplement she's wanting me to try, a food journal and symptom journal. In a few weeks, at our next appointment we will tackle the blood work results.

Oh, and she wanted to test me for heavy metal poisoning as well. I got much sicker when we moved here to Louisville and have gained 45 pounds since moving here, without changing my eating habits. Whether that's to do with hormonal aftereffects of the surgery I had or something else, it seems like this excellent practitioner will leave no stone unturned. She is a far cry from so many doctors I've met, who dismiss me and tell me I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm sick.

Now I want to get better.

Health Care Stuff

2011-09-21T07:51:00.003-04:00

It's all I ever blog about, isn't it. I'm sick...blah blah blah...I feel lousy...yadayadayada....

I DO pray, you know. Lots of "Lord Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me a sinners" happening around here. Especially while I'm crying in bed at night because I can't get to sleep. Yes, I am very aware that I write depressed person's blog.

So, today is the big day. In about ten minutes I'm off to see a new health care professional and hopefully get some treatment that will ACTUALLY HELP ME, rather than the smarmy "you are fine" garbage I usually get.

This appointment feels like I'm going to a job interview. I feel like I have to go in there and prove that I am "worthy" of treatment. I pray to God this care provider will treat me clinically, and not based on my blood work. Because I am the person who had a negative pregnancy blood test WHILE I WAS PREGNANT. Yes. I did. Blood tests can lie.

Or maybe God will perform a miracle and my blood work won't lie this time.

Obviously I'm writing nothing productive, just nervous yammering. Forgive me. Well, off I go!

Baby Steps Towards Plain

2011-09-19T20:00:00.001-04:00

Plain dressing has, for years, fascinated me. I think Quakers who are plain, the Amish, the Mennonites, Monastics, are all so beautiful in their way. What attracts me to their way of dress is the simplicity and the plain-ness. Now, without being a part of a community that has such a uniform, dressing in such a manner would almost be presumptuous, like going around dressing like a Pirate all the time would be presumptuous. It would be dressing in a costume.

My long time readers will remember that I did a project two years ago, in the autumn, where wore the same two identical brown dresses for a month. It was an exploration of simplicity. It was a fast of sorts. It was a way for me to confront my own accquisitivenes and my own vanity. It is time for me to do another such project.

This time, I am calling the project "Baby Steps Towards Plain". The parameters and the goal of my project will be a little bit different, and I have not thought completely of all that it will entail just yet. But I will, and when I do I will let you, my dear readers, know.

This has been brewing for some time now. You see, last winter, I learned about, and decided to invest a significant amount of money (which I had earned by sewing) into a program called "Dressing Your Truth". When I bought the program, I was just wanting to find some sort of system whereby I would finally be at peace with my wardrobe and with the question of "what to wear". I went through the lessons, and at the end, I thought "For THIS I spent ALL THAT MONEY??????" Yes, it was ridiculously expensive. I thought I would get more, and I felt ripped off. But then I decided that the advice was good and I would make the best of it and get my money's worth, by dingy. This meant that I started investing in costume jewelry and (five dollars here, three or seven dollars there...) and looking at my thrift store clothing purchases in a new light, with an eye to cut and color and style. I bought a faux snake skin jacket. Yes, it fit the DYT "rules" and it "looked good" on me, but egads! I did not look like myself. Gone was the ragamuffin, and arrived was this sophisticated, worldly-wise looking woman. I felt like I had lost something. And then, as the weeks and months went by of me trying to "dress my truth" the TRUTH finally hit me: In order for ME to DRESS MY TRUTH...I would have to start wearing a head-covering again (1 Cor. 11...I can never fully get away from that passage in the Holy Scriptures). This was ME dressing my truth. Not exactly what the author of that program had in HER mind. She'd probably say something about blocking my chakras or somesuch. Garbage, folks. I purchased GARBAGE with my hard-earned money. God have mercy!

But it DID get me a nifty cardboard color chart and it DID get me out of wearing so many flowy clothes that I really DID feel somewhat ill-fitted (read: redonkulous) in. So I DID learn a few valuable nuggets from the DYT course, and the Holy Spirit DID use it to remind me of what once was...and of a "podvig" that's been laid on me by God for whatever reason. I think Roman Catholics might use the term "sacramental" to describe how I feel about wearing a head covering for prayer and in obedience to Scripture and to honor the Theotokos (Mother of God).

So, here I am. Two years ago I did that "Brown Dress Project" of mine and I think I am ready to revisit it in revised form. I'm going to think about "the rules" and get back with you on what I"m doing.

I will say this: Today, I bagged up all my costume jewelry: the bracelets, the necklaces, the earraings...all of it. I'm wearing my usual "wedding rings" even though none of the rings on my hand are from my actual wedding, since I lost the stone to my engagement ring and my hands are too puffy for my wedding band...sigh. I am wearing a cross around my neck on a string. The cross and one simple band to show I'm married will stay. The rest...who knows. But the rest of the jewelry is packed away. It is my first baby step towards "plain".

The Intense Beauty of Orthodox Christian Worship

2011-09-13T16:57:00.000-04:00

This video captures some of the intensity of Orthodox Christian worship. I love how the ladies have their heads covered, and it all seems so natural. People aren't "dressed to the nines" or showing off their clothing, or hair styles or beauty, or wealth.

This video is from Georgia (the country not the State), and I'm sure that people there are less wealthy than they are here in the U.S.A. But I'm thinking that this is another aspect of head covering that I'd not really considered before...it is proper not to dress with fancy "broided" hair, or jewels, but with modestly, meekness, and a humble spirit. This comes through in our garb. Or it ought to!

Some of us are in a place where such is the norm. Others of us are in a place where such meekness might really stick out like a sore thumb.

May God grant each one of us the grace she needs to do what He calls us to.

God bless your evening, and glorious feast day of the Elevation of the Life-giving Cross, dear ones!

Lord Jesus, Save me!

2011-09-11T16:10:00.003-04:00

Well dear friends, I have just posted three new scarves to my etsy shop! I've had them sewn up for a long time but have not gotten around to posting them until today! That shows how busy I've been with sewing for other customers!

I am also Ill, dear friends, and I beg you to continue to keep me in your prayers. I don't know if it's just a combination of the fibromyalgia I was diagnosed with in 2004 and the mono I was sick with since January...or if something else is going on. At any rate, I've been in a LOT of pain and have been dealing with tremendous amounts of fatigue! Lord have mercy! I get going, with the kids' home schooling each morning, and by early or mid afternoon I cannot do another thing. It's been a struggle for my whole family and the kids don't much like having a chronically ill mom, but they ARE pitching in quite well.

Afternoons find me on the couch and aching all over and very very tired. The muscle pain has even made me writhe and cry, and I'm normally a pretty tough cookie! I've determined to find a doctor who might help me and I'm going to see someone who is a hormonal expert, and see about my hormones and my thyroid. I honestly have almost ALL the symptoms of low thyroid, and have for years, but the doctors always test my blood and tell me I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm sick. Please pray that I will connect with a healthcare provider who will work with me to get to the bottom of what is going on. And if it is "just fibro and mono" that God would give me the strength to carry on and for healing. Well, those things at any rate, regardless of thyroid or not.

I feel very weak and spent, emotionally and spiritually, and spent last night crying for hours and buckets of tears during Church this morning as well. I sit on the front row and I'm afraid I QUITE scandalized one little altar boy who kept staring at me and my big red nose while he was holding his taper... I don't know how to be, dear friends. It is so very awkward, when people ask me "how are you?" to say "I'm sick." But I had that particular conversation over and over this morning...Pain and fatigue are isolating. What do you want me to learn, Lord?

I'm starting to turn down sewing jobs, which makes me so very very sad. Still have a few to finish up...and then I will REST and try to find a doctor who can help me. But last night I DID find some scrumptious stretch laces and chiffon fabrics that I will be sewing into stretchy head band type head coveirngs...probably during October. Those are small sewing jobs, so I hope some one or two folks find some lovelies they want to buy at some point. As usual, if you have a particular WISH for something in particular, I will do my best to create it for you.

And today is 9/11. In contrast to the horror that we Americans are remembering...the gospel reading this morning had the following: " For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. " John 3:16-17 Christ is our only salvation. He is salvation for those who flew those planes into the buildings, whether they want it or not. He is the salvation of the Port Authority goons who are preventing the rebuilding of St. Nicholas Church that was destroyed with one of the towers fell, whether they want it, or not. He is the only hope of salvation for a nation at perpetual war, whether we want it or not. He is MY salvation, and I DO WANT IT. I want HIM. And if that means chronic illness with no relief for the rest of my earthly life...if that is God's will, then I will strive to embrace it with grace and live in his mercy and for His glory. But Oh, I need that salvation! And I need God's help!

My dear husband bought me a similar icon to this one, recently, to encourage me. There's me, just like Peter, saying "Lord Jesus save me!" The wind and the waves? That's my life. My illness. My weight. The kids autism. All of it.

Fan Fold Headcovering

2011-09-01T14:09:00.006-04:00

I have had someone ask me about my fan fold head covering style, and so I wanted to show you all how it looks from the front and the back, so you all can see how wide it is: (I have a very big head. Also, bear in mind this style looks slighly better on someone with LONG hair. Modeling keeps me humble. Lord have mercy!)

stuff

2011-08-13T07:46:00.003-04:00

I've been doing a lot better with the consistency thing lately. I think having mono shifted something inside of me, spiritually. My body is sick (right now I THINK it's fibro instead of mono...the two feel almost the same but not quite) but they have the SAME effect on my life: lack of energy. So I'm muddling along, but glory to God, I have managed to have a wonderful "week 1" with my kids in their home education. I spend the morning hours teaching them and in the afternoons, they finish up the lessons that they can do independently. I'm sort of following a Charlotte Mason approach, and we are reading the Bible, a German textbook (we do drills etc, too), a history book on the early medieval period, and a super fun thing called "one year adventure novel" that I'm teaching in seminar fashion. We go around and share our previous day's assignment and then watch a video, discuss it, and then each has a lesson to do from the text book and work book. We are loving it. Additionally there's math and science where each is at a different level so they do their own. And I need to teach my high schoolers how to write a research paper, which I'm not sure WHEN I'm going to do.

So that's my home schooling. I've been continuing to sew for customers and have realized that I'd much rather do this than have a dress boutique. There are so many on line dress boutiques that I can't compete with. Custom made clothing, however, is always unique.

And I want you all to know: I started a Facebook group for reading through the Orthodox Study Bible in a year. It's called "Read through the Orthodox Study Bible in One Year" I think. I'm two days behind in my reading. Yipes! But I am trying to re-establish that habit.

God finds little ways to encourage me in my hc journey. It's a small obedience. But I do it for Him...and to honor the Theotokos. I MIGHT, maybe, perhaps, be getting over myself and my insecurities a bit. Maybe.

The Short Snood and a Most Shocking Confession

2011-08-01T11:44:00.007-04:00

Hello all, I wanted to show you how DIFFERENT the short snood that I make fits on my head versus Anna Cory's head, for instance. (See the video she so kindly made, advertising my new etsy shop for me!)

Just goes to show how much variety God has made us all with! Same snood pattern on us both. Different head shapes and what we do with our hair underneath. OK, I'll confess: My hair is still on the shortish side, so I have my hair underneath pulled back with a stretchy headband that is clippied to death, and then a wee, itsy pony tail and a...oh the humanity of it all!!!...fake bun which is basically a roll of knit fabric sewn to a comb that sits just above my teensy tiny pony tail. This gives it that "she has hair under there" look, as opposed to the "there's nothing there" look. It balances out my rather substantial NOSE. 8-)

The Whole Point

2011-07-19T20:15:00.002-04:00

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pray, sisters! The whole point of this calling to wear a head covering is for prayer. If it becomes about something other than prayer, then we, as Christians, are missing the point. Scripture teaches us to "pray without ceasing". This is very hard to do. There are so many distractions. Lately I've been blessed to be working a lot in my sewing corner, and this is my perfect job because I can pray while I work. I don't like to talk or write much about prayer, though, because prayer ought to be done in secret. But for some reason, the urge to write this post won't leave me alone.

Prayer can take a heart and make it soft. The Jesus prayer is an ancient Orthodox Christian prayer that is ideal to pray while doing household chores "O Lord Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!" This, while scrubbing the dishes...again. This, while rotating laundry...again. So much of my life is lather, rinse, repeat. So why shouldn't I add the Jesus prayer to my thoughts? It has been helpful in allowing me to grow up and accept this aspect of domesticity. Sometimes while I'm washing something I remember the Psalm: "purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean, wash me and I shall be whiter then snow." This transitions nicely back into the Jesus prayer.

Prayer can redeem a broken heart and heal it. Is there a person who has hurt us in the past? Well, whenever that person comes to mind, instead of ruminating in bitterness and hurt, lift that person up to the Lord. Ask God to have mercy on that person. Ask God to bless that person, and draw that person closer to Himself. And in so doing, a broken heart can be healed. Rejection no longer matters, perhaps. Distance, time and loss (perhaps we are missing a loved one) are done away with. God is everywhere present and fills all things. And we can pray!

Prayer can draw us into the presence of God because when we choose to pray, we are taking a step. But really, I think God takes the first step, even then, and we are just responding when we say "yes" to that gentle Holy Spirit-nudge to pray. Oh, how often I ignore that still, small voice! Lord Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner!

There are so many ways to pray. Other than morning prayers and evening prayers, there's so much more: There's free prayer, where our thoughts about a person, an event, or whatever, becomes prayer as we turn what we are thinking about over to God. There's the Jesus prayer that I already mentioned. There's adding structure to one's day by praying the hours. I'm not consistent with that, but I want to be. There's putting in a recording of worship music while one is working, or perhaps a recording of the Psalms. Traditionally the Psalms are the Church's prayer book. I love to listen while I work.

But always, always God. Always turn your heart to God. Always lift up the concerns of the day to God. Always, always be His handmaiden.

That, I think, is the point.

But it is good for me to draw near to God;I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.
Psalm 73:27-28

James 4:8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you

Advertising

2011-07-19T10:03:00.001-04:00

A New Snood

2011-07-18T21:35:00.003-04:00

Hi gang, I ordered a VERY soft and comfy snood from Under There on etsy. I like it a lot! If you are looking for a soft and "barely there" feeling snood that offers total hair coverage, you should consider this etsy store. Some of you might know the crafter, as she is our own beloved Anna from Veiled Glory!

Etsy Shop! (Rhymes with Betsy Bop)

2011-07-13T21:57:00.002-04:00

Hi Gang! I finally, at long last, have an etsy shop!!! The address is: FreeToCover.etsy.com

I only have one item listed so far, but will list more tomorrow.

Please, if you are shopping for head coverings, please think of my site and buy from me. I'd like to purchase a house and a few acres someday. The money I earn is for the down payment, in addition to whatever we can scrape together to save out of our normal budget. See, I have this daughter who is likely to be living with us for many years to come. She's got Autism. And she is MADE to grow things. Plant things. We need a place where she can do that. Being on Disability does not afford a disabled person such a lifestyle. And besides, who knows if there will even BE "Disability". It seems more "gospel" for families to take care of their needy. So, we are thinking, dreaming and planning and hoping and praying and starting to save for the long term. This little etsy shop is a very small step in that direction.

So that's what your money is going to support.

And if you don't see what you want or like, I will be MORE THAN HAPPY to make you a custom item. Today I was busy sewing a "bible times" costume for a customer who is teaching in a Vacation Bible School next week. And yesterday I worked on a special order of a brown lace mantilla. So, I do like to stay busy.

God bless!

More Headcoverings

2011-07-11T15:35:00.006-04:00

Today I have Mantillas and some plain short snoods to show you!

Lace edged ivory lace mantilla--$20.00 (lace is so expensive!)

Rolled edged hem, large ivory lace D shaped mantilla-$12.00

Small black lace mantilla with rolled edge hem-$10.00

Black lace mantilla head covering with lace edging-$20.00

These plain black cotton short snoods were made for a custom order. If you want anything that I sew in a custom fabric, please let me know what color you'd like and I can make it for you. 2/$25.00 (What a deal!)

Loneliness

2011-07-10T20:17:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling that odd feeling that I often get on Sunday evenings...a feeling of loneliness. We've just been at Church and shared the Eucharist with the Lord and with many brothers and sisters in the Lord, and yet the rest of the day yawns empty and strange...just us, when I SO long for fellowship with kindred spirits, sisters in Christ who can laugh and share, and who would eat my food and whom I would welcome at my table. I long for a place large enough and expansive enough to share hospitality, a place of openness and verdure...sigh.

It would be so nice to fellowship with likeminded Christians in the flesh sometimes, and not just online.

But honestly, I think my family scares people away. Between my gimpy fibromyalgia-ness, and the Autism spectrum issues that various ones have, my husband's quiet disposition etc, we are just alone so much of the time.

Well, the Lord knows all of our needs and he will provide for them in His time.

I did some sewing today. Mantillas. Pictures coming soon. One was a special order, but I had materials for three more.

Here's a nifty quote on Simplicity of Dress...among other things

2011-07-10T17:00:00.001-04:00

I have heard from elders experienced in the practice of the virtues that evil thoughts are engendered in the soul by showy clothes, the belly's repletion and bad company.

St. Theodoros the great ascetic

Need Some Tips...Please!!!!

2011-07-09T18:53:00.003-04:00

My head covering drawer is a MESS! And I don't really know how to organize all the scarves, snoods, hats, kerchiefs, bandanas that I've accumulated and/or made. And believe it or not, I have fairly recently cleaned out and purged. I guess it comes with the territory of being a seamstress, and being able to whip out various and sundry head covering things at the--bwahahaha, pardon the pun---drop of a hat.

So, I'm thinking about one of those door hanger pocket "shoe" organizers. Would that help? It might be a start. Because I get so sick of hunting and having vast piles of scarves et. al. dripping, drooping, and draping themselves out of a drawer that won't shut all the way because it is too full.

How do you organize YOUR head covering wardrobe????? Got any tips for me?????

Headcoverings that I made to sell

2011-07-07T22:02:00.015-04:00

These will appear on Etsy (unless I sell them here first, hint hint) as soon as I can figure out all the rigamarole involved in doing taxation correctly, etc. Meanwhile, I'll post them here for your perusal.

Closeup of deep yellow print.

Deep yellow with white print fan fold head covering. $12.00

Multi colored ditsy print short snood $16.00

Dark blue print fan fold head covering $12.00

Light brown fan fold head covering. $12.00

Bright spring green with white swiss dots short snood. $16.00

Fabric closeup of multi colored ditsy print

Fan fold multi-colored ditsy print head covering. $12.00

White with print fan fold head covering $12.00

Dark blue mottled short snood $16.00

Light brown short snood $16.00

Beige print fan fold head covering. $12.00

Newsflash

2011-07-05T23:04:00.002-04:00

I've been busy sewing snoods (my own design) and fan fold coverings and mantillas. I will be opening an etsy shop soon.

I'm sewing these out of some stash fabrics I have, but I would like some feedback from you, my readers, on what styles I should make in the future, what you'd like to see.

What's your favorite style of head covering?

How can I help you get what you need?

My etsy shop does not exist yet, but rest assured, I'll have it all over this page when it does open.

God bless you.

Puffyheart LOVE!

2011-07-04T11:31:00.000-04:00

Just cruising the Internet

2011-06-05T20:15:00.002-04:00

and I found a few web sites you all might like to take a look at:

A Snood for All Seasons

Veils by Lily

Lovelies, all!

Finding the Right Style

2011-06-01T21:34:00.009-04:00

Ha ha. Here I go again. Forever have I been on a quest to find a head covering style that looks nice, is modest, is not "particular" and that STAYS ON.

Well, I'm happy to report, I found such a style.

A cotton "bandana"...but I prefer a PLAIN color (found for a dollar each at Hobby Lobby), no prints, and a nicer "slippery" scarf tied on top. Like this: Lighting in our apartment is terrible. I have a navy blue bandana under a deep maroon scarf. I just now realized, those are the Theotokos' colors. No imitation intended. I thought up this combo during my insomnia last night with an olive green knit dress that I had to change out of after I got sick earlier. (Yeah, pray for me. This mono I've been battling has shot my immune system, and now I have a cough which I'm starting to get over and today I threw up. So. Much. Fun.)

And here it is from behind. The back is tied in a bow, since the top scarf is long and narrow.

And last but not least, a silly pirate face. Because I'm goofy. And because I took a picture of this scarf combo on myself from the side and suddenly felt ugly and insecure and so had to do a pirate face to compensate for those bad feelings.

So, there it is. A new style that I like.

Convicted

2011-05-30T21:32:00.002-04:00

Whenever I'm around other women who cover full time, I'm so convicted that this is the path for me.

Yesterday evening I was invited to a wedding, and it's difficult to rock the headcovering at a wedding. At least it is for me. So, yesterday's outfit to the wedding was a dress from JCPenny that my husband had bought me that barely made it to my knees when standing. Bright orange/red and white floral design, and a bolero sweater fo the same red shade. Blue heels and a bright yellow head scarf for Church. After Church, I draped it around my neck and went to the reception.

Two other women were there who were "full timers" and boy, did I feel convicted. I tried, went to the bathroom and tried to tie my scarf behind my head and it ended up slipping off. My skirt was a bit too short and I was uncomfortable, even though it was longer than MANY of the skirts being worn by others. But who cares. It was still too short. But my husband bought me that dress and blah blah blah.

So, now I need to find my mad seamstress skills and find a way to make this dress work because it is super cute.

Should I wear it with pants under it? Should I shorten it and turn it into a blouse? Could I add a strip of some other fabric at the bottom to lengthen it? Could I cut a piece off the hem, add a strip of some other fabric and then add the hem back on for more of an "intentional" look? Will I forever ruin it if I start cutting into it? Is it already ruined simply by being a tad too short? Hmmmm. I know not.

I wish I knew what to do.

Meanwhile, I will keep pressing on and when my courage falters, I will remember the women I admire who simply do what they do and don't try to rock the high heels, the too-short dress, and the head scarf all on the same day.

Encouragement on the Journey

2011-05-24T13:03:00.002-04:00

I find that Anna's Video over at Veiled Glory is a big challenge and a big encouragement. In it, she references Father Stephen Freeman's blog posts about a "One Story Universe" and challenges us to a "one woman revolution" of taking that step into living in the one story universe as witnesses of the God who is everywhere present and fillest all things.

This is the reason, really, that so many of us are called to wear a head covering all the time. I am, to be frank, the least among this group, what with my very public struggles and vascillations. But the calling is there and I am striving to be obedient.

I thought I'd point out that Father Stephen's most recent blog entry on The Secular Man and the Christian Man is also very apropos to this topic.

Go, read, and be encouraged, my friends!

Time to Give this a Re-Read

2011-05-23T15:53:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling urged by the Lord to cover full time again. As anyone who has read this sporadic blog much at all knows, this is at times a joy for me and at other times a great, great struggle. Pray for me, dear friends.

Here's an article that is encouraging: On Account of the Angels

2011-01-29T12:25:00.001-05:00

Lately, my only head covering has been a blanket and a pillow. I've been feeling sick quite a bit the past few weeks, and on Wednesday my doctor called me with the results of the blood work that was done. I have mononucleosis. And I am to REST.

I think my spleen is swollen (a common thing with mono) because whenever I am up and around, even just putzing for a little bit, my left side/back starts to hurt. So then I lay down on the couch and put my head on my pillow and rest.

God has a purpose in all this. Glory to Thee, O Lord, Glory to Thee.

Orthodox Church asks Russian women to dress modestly

2011-01-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

Orthodox Church asks Russian women to dress modestly
Reuters

By Amie Ferris-Rotman Amie Ferris-rotman – Wed Jan 19, 1:28 pm ET

MOSCOW (Reuters) – Russian feminists expressed outrage Wednesday after the country's Orthodox Church proposed women dress more modestly and refrain from walking down the street "painted like a clown."

Endorsed by Russia's leaders as the country's main faith, the Orthodox Church has grown increasingly powerful since communism fell and its dominance has drawn criticism from rights groups who say it undermines Russia's secular constitution.

"We should create an all-Russian dress code," top Church official Archpriest Vsevolod Chaplin said in a letter published by Interfax news agency Tuesday.

"Either scantily clad or painted like a clown, a woman who counts on meeting men on the street, in the metro or a bar not only risks running into a drunken idiot but will meet men with no self-respect," he said.

Chaplin, who also heads the Church's department for relations with society, said last month that women in mini-skirts were to blame if raped as they "provoke men."

His statements, which Russian media widely condemned on Wednesday, are particularly out of place in a country where many women pride themselves on their intense grooming, revealing blouses and year-round love of heels.

"The Kremlin has given the Church carte blanche to lead their own ideological campaigns," renowned Russian feminist and writer Maria Arbatova told Reuters.

"Disastrously, this includes waging a war on women's rights, and this dress-code is just the icing on the cake," she said, adding that the trend began with the Church's anti-abortion campaign. The Church's call last June for tougher rules to reduce the number of abortions carried out in Russia -- which registers around 1.5 million a year -- was met with sharp criticism from feminists who said the move was against women's rights.

Russian group "For Feminism" said on their website http://community.livejournal.com/zafeminizm/ Wednesday that they had collected 1,738 signatures in their petition against the dress-code, which they will send to Patriarch Kirill.

The dress-code proposal won praise Wednesday from the hardline leader of Muslim Chechnya, Ramzan Kadyrov, whom analysts accuse of leading a radical Islamic revival which has included the harassment of women for not wearing headscarves.

The trend toward consolidation of the Church as a national force has worried Russia's 20 million Muslims -- one seventh of the population -- as well as those who believe church and state should be strictly separated.

(Reporting by Amie Ferris-Rotman)

Been Sick

2011-01-19T13:15:00.002-05:00

I've been sick which is why I have not posted anything here. Prayers appreciated. I have a UTI/bladder infection that has proven resistant to the first type of antibiotics I was on and is now bad enough to be giving me system wide symptoms as opposed to just localized symptoms. Been very run-down lately and crashing in bed to rest pretty much every day.

Here is a nice prayer that I've been praying, taken from the Orthodox prayer book printed by the Antiochian Archdiocese:

A Prayer of a Sick Person

O Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, Physician of souls and bodies, who didst become man and suffer death on the Cross for our salvation, and through thy tender love and compassion didst heal all manner of sickness and affliction;

Do thou O Lord, visit me in my suffering, and grant me grace and strength to bear this sickness with which I am afflicted, with Christian patience and submission to thy will, trusting in thy loving kindness and tender mercy.

Bless, I pray thee, the means used for my recovery, and those who administer them.

I know O Lord, that I justly deserve any punishment inflicted upon me for I have so often offended thee and sinned against thee, in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, I humbly pray thee, look upon my weakness, and deal not with me after my sins, but according to the multitude of thy mercies. Have compassion on me, and let mercy and justice meet; and deliver me from this sickness and suffering I am undergoing.

Grant that my sickness may be the means of my true repentance and amendment of my life according to thy will, that I may spend the rest of my days in thy love and fear: that my soul, being helped by thy grace and sanctified by thy Holy Mysteries, may be prepared for its passage to the Eternal Life, and there, in the company of thy blessed Saints, may praise and glorify thee with thy Eternal Father and Life-giving Spirit. Amen.

Forbidden?

2011-01-11T17:10:00.003-05:00

What is a woman to do, who feels convicted by the Scriptures and by the Holy Spirit to wear a head covering, who is supported therein by her husband, but her clergy person is against it? Less than supportive? Forbids her to speak about it to others? Perhaps even forbids the practice? Points out the scandal of it? Is worried that others will be offended by the practice? Says it's "old country and we don't do that here in America"?

Some sisters are in such situations. Not I, mind you. But it does occur sometimes, at varying levels.

For some reason the head covering causes discomfort. Scandal.

I wonder why that is?

At my parish, one time, someone said that wearing a head covering is just "those converts showing off". I'm pretty sure there are some women in our parish who have been Orthodox since their cradle days who are covering, too.

I do it to honor the Theotokos and as a sign of, and reminder to be obedient to God in all the little ways. And because I like it. Wearing a head covering helps me to pray.

I'm glad it's not forbidden. And I hope and pray it never will be. And of course, some clergy are very strongly in favor of the practice. May God grant us peace!

Dressing in Layers

2011-01-06T17:32:00.004-05:00

My biggest struggle with head covering has been finding a style of covering that looks nice, and that fits in with how I dress and that is comfortable on my head with very little fuss.

I'm not the grungy jeans and t-shirts type. I'm not the country mrs. type, either. I sort of have my own unique style that involves hand knitted scarves or sweaters. Most days I wear a skirt, a nice top or sweater, earrings, bracelets, stockings and leather shoes. I only own one denim skirt. So, I don't do country and I don't do casual.

Tichels drive me crazy. Too much fabric back there. Too much of an "ethnic" look.

So today I went to the fabric store for some buttons (yeah, the day I go there ONLY for buttons....) and bought four quarter-of-a-yard swatches of pretty chiffon prints. All very modern looking and not florals.

I turned them into...what are they called....fan-fold head coverings?

And to compensate for my head being an odd rectangular shape, I figured out I can do pin curls in the back, to get some lift going, for a cute look in the back, while my hair grows a bit.

So here's me. Five coverings richer, and proof that I'm doing this...again. Oh, and yes. I did hand knit that delicious sweater I'm wearing. (My current knitting project is an Estonian lace shawl pattern...sighs of delight.)

I plan on throwing on a mantilla over this for vespers, anyways. Best of both worlds, and all. Who says a lady can't dress in layers? ;-)

Blog Giveaway: Twill Kapp

2011-01-03T15:52:00.004-05:00

Ok so I've been at my sewing machine the last couple of days making some head coverings. I made this cute khaki-colored twill kapp style covering, and while extremely well-made, it is just not my style.

So I'm giving it away.

My head is big, 23 inches, and this kapp fits fairly far behind my hair line and if I had enough hair for a bun it would be great. For someone with a smaller head, it would fit further forward. (My 11 y.o. daughter who has LOTS of hair...the brim came very close to her front hairline.)

So, if you are interested in this giveaway, let me know in the comments section if you want to be entered into the drawing, and next Monday I'll do the drawing if more than one person enters. E-mail might be helpful. ;-)

New Year's Project

2011-01-01T18:35:00.002-05:00

Pray for me, friends, as I endeavor to record the Psalter into my computer this year. This has been a project that has been on my heart to do for a long time now, and finally today I started. After I read the first Kathisma (Psalms 1-8 in the Septuagint) the program I was using unexpectedly shut down before I could save it and send it to my iTunes file.

I did get those Psalms re-recorded, as well as the next set. I want to be able to have the psalter to listen to when I'm driving or sewing or knitting...whatever. It will just take some faithfulness and consistency to get it done. It's not hard, per se, and I have all the technology I need. I just have to do it.

I'm posting this here as a means of accountability.

10. Michael Card - God's Own Fool

2010-12-31T18:32:00.000-05:00

God's Own Fool

2010-12-31T18:14:00.003-05:00

Ashley pretty much threw down the gauntlet on head covering in the comments yesterday. I'm lovin' this discussion.

I've spent the day (last several days actually) very prayerfully, and am wondering if this renewed sensitivity to the head covering thing has something to do with the fact that I've been "in the word" a bit more lately. Hmmmm.

So I dug through my drawers. I tried on various options. The floppy hats look very snoodish, and somewhat ridiculous since I have poufy short hair with enough curl/body to sick straight out. And I have a giant rectangular head. And I feel ugly, ugly, ugly.

(And the vanity MUST DIE.)

Long rectangular scarves are so strangular. OK every once in a while for Church, but not for every day.

Some big square tichel type scarves (I have two of them) in a half knot behind my head with the end tucked under the half knot and the ends of the ties to the front...I feel OK in that, except the two scarves I have are very printy/multi-colored gypsy-lady looking. Not that there's anything wrong with that...if I'm in the right mood.

And still with my rectangluar head and large body.

You see, I have this FALSE mental image of the "perfect Christian woman" and she's slim (because she has self control) and modest in a longish skirt and a lovely top and a cute kerchief or scarf and it all works. Mental image. Not real. ( It's how I imagine all my lovely readers.)

And then there's me: Chronically ill, forty-something with a big rectangular head and a funny hair line and hair that poufs and makes scarves stick out funny and that itches my back unbearably if it is long, and that looks horrid because I'm chronically ill, so I keep it short. And a big fat body that's also sort of rectangular and no waistline. And so there's nothing about me that seems ideal or good or pretty.

And the vanity must die! And the focus on outward beauty or lack thereof must die. I'm one of those women who cleans up fairly well, and with makeup I look nice. But without it, I have scars on my face, just don't look well because I'm not.

And that old song "God's own Fool" by Michael Card came to mind while I was out running an errand this morning. The other song that keeps staying in my head this week is from the Divine Liturgy: "What shall I render to the Lord for all his bounty to me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people. I will lift up the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord."

So I borrowed a medium blue colored plain bandana from my daughter and wore that, and liked it well enough for around the house. Wore a hat out and about.

It's a start. I'm so imperfect. And all I want is to be the Lord's handmaiden. In all things. Pray for this sinner. May I have the courage to be a fool for Christ.

Thoughts on Covering Full Time

2010-12-30T17:19:00.005-05:00

...from someone who has both covered full time and only covered for Church and formal prayers at home.

Today I checked recent comments on this blog and found the following:

Alana,
My name is Victoria, I am a Roman Catholic. I cover my hair during Mass and the rosary. I am currently a student but I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to cover my hair full time during this upcoming lent. Do you have any advice you can give me?
God Bless

Thank you,

In Christ

Victoria S.

http://catholicnun101.blogspot.com/

My only advice, per se, for covering full time is 1) to find something you are comfortable with, and that won't slide around very much. Cotton, in other words. Or, find a way to keep a scarf on your head. A wide stretchy headband worn under a scarf, clippied to your hair that you can pin your scarf onto is one option.
and 2) Think long and hard about how you want to present yourself to the world while you are doing this. Do you care whether you look like a member of another religious group? If not, you could wear a capp or veil (think Quaker, Mennonite, Amish or a bit closer to home, Plain Catholic), and a whole world of Tichel and/or Hijab posiblilities open before you.

Now as that's where my advice ends. But not my thoughts on the subject. So I shall share those now. Today, I have been thinking of this following verse, precisely in the context of a calling to wear a head-covering full time. Perhaps, I too, am getting that nudge from the Holy Spirit.

"And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." Matthew 6:5-6

Not that my thoughts hold any authority, mind you, and I want to write this in all humility, but as a person who struggles greatly with a yen to wear a head covering full time, and then also a yen NOT to...as a person who deeply wants to deepen my prayer life and for whom wearing a head covering is a special part of my expression in prayer, these words of our Lord might have some significance.

What I'm wondering: Is there a way to wear a head covering for the purposes of prayer, and have it be a secret? I don't know about you, but I don't want to "ruin my reward" by being all "out there" about my prayer life. (Perhaps this blogging utterly defeats the purpose of secrecy, but then it has a purpose of its own and it's not like I'm talking about my prayer life, per se....) And yet, there is that calling. I understand that calling. I hear it, too. I follow it. I kick against it. I ignore it. Dare I say, I disobey it? I question it. I wonder if it is really the Holy Spirit or if it is somehow my own warped pride, or a desire for belonging or to stand out, or some other motive. I'm just talking about me, here.

So how would I do this secret head covering thing, since a head covering is always right there, out there, up there on the top of my head and I can't really hide it?

I think the key would be to wear a non-overtly religious head covering when out and about.

If one is a casual sort, a bandana might do the trick. Not my style at all, but might work for some. If one is into hand knitted things, a slouchy hand knitted beret might fill the bill. I could go for that until the weather is warm and I start getting too hot. A wide headband...maybe. There's lots of pretty possibilites at www.garlandsofgrace.com. Perhaps something from there might fit the bill.

I wish I were the type to start wearing a head coveirng, be completely at peace with it, and twenty years later look back and blissfully contemplate my consistency and humility. Alas! I am not such a one. For me it's always complicated.

Those are my thoughts on the subject. Confused and confounded much I am. Too bad I can't dress like a Russian Princess from yesteryear. St. Euphrosynia had to wear such garb...and she secretly wore a hair shirt underneath it to hide the results of her fasting and as an itchy asceticism. Again, notice the secrecy!

So, that's what's in my head right now. Anyone have any more thoughts on the subject?

Chiffon Headcovering

2010-12-27T22:35:00.005-05:00

I was playing around with some chiffon fabric today, in preparation for making a wedding dress out of chiffon in a couple of months, and on a whim decided to test my machine's edging/embroidery capabilities on that most slippery of fabrics.

What better item to make on the spur of the moment but a chiffon head-covering for prayer?

My youngest daughter is somewhat gaga over the results. As am I. Very pleased, I am. But it was a tedious bit of work, feeding the fabric into my machine over and over and over again. The results are worth it. Oh, and cutting the scalloped edging after I'd sewed in the scallops was truly painful. But again...worth it.

I took up sewing in order to develop the virtue of patience and meticulousness (I'm naturally so un-meticulous that in my case working on that character trait is an act of virtue in and of itself.) I was feelin' the results of years of those labors today.

"Let my prayer rise like incense before Thee..."

2010-12-02T21:19:00.003-05:00

"and my hands like the evening sacrifice."

I love the way my headcovering smells like incense after I've worn it at Church. It is like brining Church home with me when I put it on at home for morning or evening prayers.

Photocredit

Some Head Covering Links

2010-11-22T18:44:00.001-05:00

My daughter found this page today and I thought I would share it with you all.

Господи помилуй

2010-11-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

Imagine My Surprise!

2010-10-30T08:27:00.001-04:00

Cruising around the head-covering blogosphere this morning, and found myself extensively quoted. What fun for my ego! (Lord have mercy!)

Here's the link at Far Above Rubies.

Mantilla Musings

2010-10-29T20:55:00.003-04:00

I was at my sewing machine this evening, putting some lace edging onto a lace triangle I'd cut out (not a hard job) to finish off a prayer veil, and while I was sewing I got to thinking....

I've been pondering writing a post on this blog about how the meaning of women's veiling is different for Orthodox Christian women than it is for...oh, say....Mennonite women. I can say that, because once upon a time I was Mennonite. Now I am Orthodox. I liked covering then, but it came with a great deal of "baggage".

Instead of being called a prayer veil, often a woman's covering was referred to in Mennonite circles as a "headship covering" and it specifically symbolized a woman's place under the authority of her husband or father. Very patriocentric and very hierarchical.

In Orthodoxy, I don't find such a meaning attached to wearing a prayer veil, or prayer covering, at all.

When something is covered, it is done so because it is a holy thing. I'm thinking of the coverings that are draped over the Holy Gifts when they are brought out during the Great Entrance. (See photo above. Notice what the priest is holding: A covered chalice.) I'm thinking of the Holy of Holies, in the Old Testament. I'm ALWAYS thinking of the Theotokos (that's Mary, the Mother of God, for any readers who may not be familiar with the Greek word. It literally means God-bearer.) when I think of head coverings, for some reason. And I'm thinking of the angels. St. Paul writes that women are to veil "because of the angels." I'm not all the way sure what that means, fully, but we do know that when we enter the Divine Liturgy, we are joining the heavenly hosts in their continuous worship. Interesting side note: In Orthodox Iconography, women saints are ALWAYS depicted with a veil on their head. Angels have what might be misinterpreted by some as a "woman's hairstyle" with what looks like a head band. But angels are NEVER depicted in a feminine way, but rather as warriors.)

In a world that treats women pornographically, it is quite a bold statement to put on a prayer veil. It is a radical thing to cover up that which is uncovered and reduced to a sex object by the world. Covering is giving a woman honor, when the uncovering of women is all around us. (Seen any billboards or commercials lately? I rest my case.) It is precisely because women are sexualized by the world that they are veiled in Church. It is a radical thing, and an elevating thing to take a woman and say: "She should be veiled." Especially in the context of a religion that veils it's holy mysteries.

Now, I'm not saying that this means that women are somehow better than men, or above men. Not at all. St. Paul balances it out: Woman is for the man, man comes out of woman...it's a balance. And because of the Incarnation of Christ, and Mary's "Yes" to God we can boldly say that God also came out of a woman when He took on human flesh to save us from sin and death. We women are icons, in a way. Icons in the midst of the Church composed of male and female persons of what it means to be the Bride of Christ, who is Himself the Church's bridegroom. In our veiling, we have something spiritual to show.

It's a mystery.

photo credit here.

Cover Me

2010-10-23T13:59:00.003-04:00

A few years ago, I sat down to write a song about my experience as a woman who wears a head covering in the Orthodox Church. I wanted to capture the meaning of what it means for me. And here's what came out:

This place is holy
and I feel naked
I am so lonely, broken
cut off from the One who is my home.
Outside the garden
I need a Savior to resurrect me
make me garments, give me food to eat
and new life for these bones.

Cover me with holy water
Cover me with chrism oil
Let me breathe the prayers, like smoke, of angels
in the company of all who've come before.
Cover me in this bright sadness
Cover me under this cross
Cover me with absolution
For the Body and the Blood, and the Holy Spirit of God.

And so You call me
into the circle
of full communion and love
this is my home.
And through the windows
I can see heaven
and the Incarnate God
in stillness beckons me:
You weren't meant to be alone.

Cover me with holy water
Cover me with chrism oil
Let me breathe the prayers, like smoke, of angels
in the company of all who've come before.
Cover me in this bright sadness
Cover me under this cross
Cover me with absolution
For the Body and the Blood, and the Holy Spirit of God.

Mantillas!

2010-10-17T08:05:00.002-04:00

Browsing around, I found a selection of absolutely gorgeous Mantillas at this website:

Catholic Home and Garden

Check them out! There's also some nice articles about modesty and such, there.

Are you saved? - an Orthodox Christian answer.

2010-10-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

Lovely 100 Year old Color Photograph

2010-09-28T13:03:00.002-04:00

Here is the link: http://gizmodo.com/5649728/this-100+year+old-photo-has-not-been-photoshopped

Thoughts about Prayer etc.

2010-09-28T12:11:00.004-04:00

Someone recently asked me if I still cover and I do. But I just have not been posting much on here. For that, I apologize to all my dear readers.

I cover for prayers at home(most of the time) and at Church (all of the time). Last night I flipped a manitlla onto my head at the start of family evening prayers and made the sign of the cross. It occurred to me that that is something I do-I cross myself when I place the headcovering on my head. Because it's part of prayer and it is a pious thing I do as I prepare to pray, creating holy space in my physical surroundings, in my body, in my life.

I think it's important for us to create holy space. And by that, I mean space, time, actions, that are devoted to the worship of God. I used to go around with this "it's all the time" attitude, but what that really meant was that it was an almost never thing.

Since I've become an Orthodox Christian, the "almost never, low level "my thoughts are my prayers" thing has started being transformed. There's still a lot of that in my daily struggle as a Christian, and I'm not saying that those thought prayers aren't bad, per se. They are just, in my case, rather formless.

So creating holy space, creating form allows for there to be a filling with content. And this helps the in-between times become deeper as well. The best argument I can think of for a Christian to use a prayer book (I like this one.) is that reading those prayers teaches me to pray. The Pslater teaches me to pray.

And in-between times, when my mind starts to wander I try to pray "O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." I don't rush out and put on a head covering every time I pray the Jesus prayer, but when I grab the psalter, or the prayer book to pray my prayer rule, that's when I do.

I'm a novice at all of this. Lord have mercy. O Holy Spirit, teach me to pray!

Orthodox Chanting

2010-09-13T08:53:00.000-04:00

A Prayer

2010-09-10T21:09:00.004-04:00

I'm asking the Mother of God for her intercessions on behalf of women who are feeling called to wear a head covering in Church (or full time) but who lack the courage to start.

May God bless all.

Don't be Afraid!

2010-09-06T18:13:00.004-04:00

When it rains it pours! I've had about five ladies approach me recently, saying that they want to work up the courage to start covering. Prayers ascending that they take that step. It's such a blessing. To all such I would say with all my heart: Don't be afraid! It's a lovely thing to do and is a blessing.

Meanwhile, I'd like to mention that Walmart has some very lovely scarves right now for eight dollars each. These a big fringed very soft polyester square scarves, both in prints and in black and white.

Black Lace Mantillas

2010-07-26T09:06:00.003-04:00

Hello all,

I have found some beautiful lace for large black lace mantillas. If anyone wants to buy one, the cost (includes shipping, the cost of the lace, the cost of the edging, and a bit for labor) is $22.50.

My email address is alanasheldahl {at} gmail etc.

A Compliment

2010-04-27T11:39:00.003-04:00

A sister came up to me on Sunday after liturgy and complimented my mantilla veil. She said that if she ever wore one, it would be that style, since that is what she grew up with, followed with an inquiry of "Where did you get it?"

I told her I made it and could make her one if she ever wants. She says maybe, and that if she did, she'd pay me.

It's nice to know someone is thinking about it.

It's also nice to know that someone's is thinking the veil is beautiful and not "dumb" or "dorky".

It's nice to get a compliment sometimes.

Scalp Problems

2010-04-13T11:55:00.003-04:00

I'm having some trouble on my scalp: Very sore pimples, and itching. I had Wes check me for head lice, although I have not been around anyone or anyplace where I might have picked that sort of thing up. All clear on the head lice front, but it never hurts to check.

So, several weeks back, I was wondering if the break out might be caused by some Johnson and Johnson leave-in conditioner I was using, as the break out happened when I started using that product. Needless to say I ditched the product. My scalp has never fully cleared up.

Another possibility is that my scalp skin liketh not the metal head band or barettes I've been wearing. I am very sensitive to nickel and can't use cheap ear rings...so I wonder.

A third possiblity: my shampoo and conditioner. It's difficult to find a product that does not contain things like botanicals, so my choices are limited. The reason I can't use botanicals is because I am on the guaifenesin protocol (sort of...I need to do better) for fibromyalgia. Learn more about that here.

So, what's a gal to do? I suppose I can use some of my husband's medicated shampoo and see if that clears things up. Today I opted for the enzyme non toxic no lice shampoo, just because.

I guess I can put some zit cream on my scalp and wear a bandana? I don't know. Would that bleach my hair out? Benzoyl Peroxide has been known to bleach clothes...

Any advice from both my sporadic readers would be welcome.

This is a Great Article!

2010-04-06T17:18:00.002-04:00

I found this article while I was cruising around blogdom today and I thought I'd share a link here on this blog since the topic is about head covering.

I like what the author ways about Christ and His Church and how we are imaging that in our roles as men and women...and how this relates to head covering.

Here it is.

What I Want

2010-04-05T17:54:00.003-04:00

Holy Week was a time of reflection for me, which was the culmination of the forty days of reflection and inward direction, prayer and hopefully repentance that was great lent. This yielded some clarity for me, concerning spiritual matters:
What I want is intimacy with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
What I want is closeness and a child-like dependance and trust in God my Father.
What I want is to be open to the Holy Spirit blowing in my heart and life as He wills. What I want is to be yielded to God.
What I want is to be prayerful.
What I want is to be less distracted.
What I want is to "lay aside all earthly cares that [I] may receive the King".
What I want is to be sweet and meek and quiet.
What I want is to be modest and godly and pious.
What I want is to be like a light shining of a hill top that cannot be hid.
What I want is to be a daughter of the King of Kings.
What I want is to be ready for my bridegroom.

So I hope that this is a time of strengthening for me. I hope God will answer my prayers for this.

Through lent I've been feeling the urge to cover a bit more often than before. It just won't ever leave me completely alone, will it?

Christ is risen!

Christ is Risen!

2010-04-05T17:51:00.001-04:00

Thou didst descend into the tomb, O Immortal. Thou didst destroy the power of death. In victory didst Thou arise, O Christ God, proclaiming "Rejoice" to the myrrh-bearing women, granting peace to Thy Apostles, and bestowing resurrection on the fallen.

Love

2010-03-25T15:27:00.002-04:00

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of hte eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever."--1 John 2:15-17

Convicting words indeed!

Silent Head Covering Movie

2010-03-24T21:35:00.003-04:00

Blog Giveaway: Free to a Good Home!

2010-03-19T14:11:00.001-04:00

I am happy to announce another blog giveaway. I turned the ugliest fabric ever into two plus size apron/smocks. Now, I know for a fact that there are people out there in the multiverse who think this fabric is adorable. And to that end, I did my very best to make these aprons cute and attractive.

The apron with blue trim was my first ever effort at using seam binding, so there's a wee bit of evidence of my lack of experience, but it's still OK (and I am giving them away for free after all). The green-trimmed apron, if I do say so myself, is spit spot perfect.

These would fit size 1x-3x I think.

So, please, let me know if you want to enter the drawing, and one week from today I will hopefully pull YOUR name out of a jar.

Leave a comment with your name and e-mail or send me a private e-mail at alanasheldahl at gmail dot com to enter.

And the Winners are....

2010-03-18T09:40:00.002-04:00

April and Juliana! Both of these ladies blogged about the giveaway, got entered twice, and are proof of better odds.

I will contact you, ladies. Congratulations!

And everyone, thanks so much for playing! I do like seeing who all is reading my blog.

Headcovering Giveaway!

2010-03-11T11:09:00.004-05:00

Ok, gals, I have TWO white lace mantillas to give away! As you can see from the photos, they are rather large. When it's draped over my head, the tip of the triangle comes down to my mid-back (and I'm not petite!). There is enough mantilla here to tie around your neck, if you so choose, as I'm doing in the last picture, but it also looks nice open and flowing if you are claustrophobic.

I bought this lace last year for my Pascha head covering, and I bought too much. So now I want some other folks to share the joy. White is the color for Pascha, so here they are.

Please send me your name and e-mail address (if you don't want to leave your e-mail in my comments section, you can send me an e-mail at alanasheldahl{at}gmail.com.

I'll hold a drawing in a week. So that's next Thursday. And two of you will be winners.

If you post this giveaway to your blog and link back, let me know and I'll enter your name twice.

Blessed Lent, ya'll. May God give you strength.

Coming Soon!

2010-03-11T09:43:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be doing a giveaway on this blog! As soon as I get it sewn, I'll be hosting a give away for a white lace matilla...lovely just in time for Pascha/Easter/Resurrection Sunday...whatever you call it.

Check back later, for photos and full details, ladies!

Snapshot of Blessing

2010-03-06T20:10:00.004-05:00

Imagine, if you will, a light-filled chapel. It's high domed ceiling contains the icon of Christ, surrounded by his holy apostles. Shafts of evening light are coming through the western window in the back wall above the balcony, and indirectly through the northern and southern side windows as well. The place is filled with incense and smoke and evening light. People stand to pray.

A carved wooden iconostasis is in front. To the left is an icon of Mary, the Mother of God holding Jesus Christ, God become flesh. To the right is an icon of Jesus. Two large candle stands filled with sand and holding beeswax candles are in front of each icon. St. John Maximovitch and St. Raphael of Brooklyn stand like sentinals on the walls beside either side of the icon stand. Behind the altar is a wall-sized icon mural of the resurrection: The conquering risen Christ hauling Adam and Eve up from their tombs by the wrists like recalcitrant toddlers. The God who rescues us.

I am to the right, if one is facing the altar, in an alcove with the rest of the choir, not facing the front, but rather facing the side. I am singing.

I can glance up and see my husband and a few other people up in the balcony. My two oldest daughters are standing together. Almost 14, M is wearing a long denim skirt, a long sleeved t-shirt with a tank top under it because she says the neck is too low on the t-shirt, and a headscarf covering her long blonde hair is awkwardly tied under her chin. She doesn't care. She started wearing a scarf to Church a year or so ago, without me saying much about it at all. And at almost 16, my oldest daughter, B, is wearing a simple denim dress. She cares not a whit about fashion. Her hair is in two braids and she's wearing a black and white checked bandana. She can never quite get her clothes to match, even when I limit the color range of what I buy for her.

The two sisters are holding hands lovingly, and facing the font of the Chapel. Every once in a while they let go to cross themselves. I can tell they are praying.

I am watching them, because B has been struggling with involuntary body movements lately. Something else gone wrong in her brain. But tonight, her body is calm, and it is such a blessing! We feel surrounded by the prayers of so many who are interceding for her. And as I sing, I tear up in gratitude to have two such daughters. I tear up for their love for each other, the tender care M is showing to B. I tear up for the fact that B is doing better this evening, that her mind is calm and her body is calm. I watch them pray.

Both girls are mildly on the autistic spectrum. Finding friends is difficult for them. But then again, the advantage is that they are free to be themselves and they don't worry about what others might think of them. Both girls are brilliantly intelligent. They both have deep faith. Piety. Love for God. And love for each other.

And as a mother, all I can do is offer them to God and pray that they continue to grow in God's grace, love and mercy.

What blessings! What more could a mother ask?

But I look like a Muslim!

2010-03-03T12:36:00.001-05:00

Well said, sister!

Babushka style

2010-02-28T18:25:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I'm not a granny yet, and neither am I Russian...but still. Here's today's headcovering and it lasted longer than just Church.

Too bad wearing a headcovering isn't a guarantee against snappishness and grumpiness, though. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

At least with this style, no one will confuse me for either a Mennonite, Muslimah, Orthodox Jew, or a ren-faire escapee. ;-)

A lady on the covered orthodox yahoo list mentioned that after being chased through the mall by a homesick Jewish man when she was wearing a head covering in the "Crown" style, she decided she'd like to go fishing for head covering style ideas in Orthodox countries. Hmmmm...that leaves looking like a Babushka. ;-)

...It's always something with me, ain't it?

Still Struggling

2010-02-17T09:33:00.003-05:00

The difficulty with full time covering that I keep encountering within my own soul is that the act of wearing a head covering becomes an obsession, and I'm more focused on covering than on prayer-or anything else for that matter.

I see the good in it, and I truly wish I could get past this thing in me...well a part of me wishes that. Another part of me doesn't.

Sometimes I feel like the only "headcoverer" with this struggle. No one else is talking about it. Others just don that snood or that scarf, and go about their day.

What's a gal like me to do?

Some ladies on the CoveredOthodox e-mail list are covering full time for lent. I did not bit...yet. Should I? I don't know. Part of me thinks it would be grand, and then part of me doesn't. I don't want to lose focus on my relationship with God over this. (And I'm SO not saying that anyone else who covers full time does...Just talking about me, here.)

Any feedback welcome. Does anyone else experience this delimma?

Oh, Goody! I'm Going Somewhere!

2010-01-02T16:51:00.002-05:00

Since I've been sick the past week or so, I have not had a chance to go much of anywhere but the grocery store. And I had to drag myself to go there.

But today I've hardly coughed at all, and I'm so excited to be going to Vespers tonight. I missed Church on Christmas, the Sunday after Christmas, all have not been at all this week, and boy oh boy do I feel the lack!

It's been so long that I think I ought to go to confession before taking communion again. Hopefully I can do that tonight or in the morning.

So, I get to put on some REAL CLOTHES for Church tonight.

Goody! My husband bought me a gorgeous silk scarf for Christmas, so I think I'll plan an outfit around it, and wear that.

I've been reading Revelation lately, (Ok, the past couple of days...in my efforts to read through the Bible backwards) and I got convicted about the "You are Lukewarm!" bit. Yeah, that's been me lately. All wrapped up in the prep work for Christmas, and then in being sick and busy busy, me me me, that I have let my prayer life slip.

Today is my Saint's Day. Oh, how I wish I were more like St. Juliana! Something to work on, I guess.

As usual, I need God's grace and help. Because I'm so very "not".

Romantic

2009-12-30T23:04:00.000-05:00

Romantic by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

Hippie Chic

2009-12-30T22:58:00.001-05:00

Hippie Chic by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

I'm having too much fun with polyvore¡

Afternoon Tea

2009-12-30T21:58:00.001-05:00

Afternoon Tea by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

Don't I WISH I lived the kind of life that included dressing up for "afternoon tea"....ha ha ha!

Bright Lights!

2009-12-30T21:57:00.001-05:00

Bright lights...some sort of city by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

Spice

2009-12-30T21:54:00.000-05:00

spice by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

I REALLY think this jacket is pretty!

Mary Poppins

2009-12-30T21:51:00.001-05:00

Mary Poppins by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

LIme Aid

2009-12-30T21:49:00.000-05:00

Lime Aid by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

Ecclectic

2009-12-30T21:45:00.001-05:00

Ecclectic by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

January

2009-12-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

January by alanajuliana on Polyvore.com

I'm playing around with www.polyvore.com these days, basically to try and build a vision for a modest wardrobe that includes a headcovering. Notice that each outfit (I'm just dreaming here) I publish will have a headcovering of some sort included. Mostly scarves.

If you wanna play, post a link to your the modest outfit you make in my comments section. I'd love to see more ideas.

Tidying and a small Giveaway.

2009-12-30T15:50:00.003-05:00

Going through the scarf drawer this afternoon, to tidy and cull. I've already done plenty of culling in the past, and it's amazing how fast things can get out of control in the head covering department.

After sorting, folding, throwing things into piles, etc. here's what I came up with:

1. pile of bandanas. I gave those to my daughters.

2. stretchy snoods and wide stretchy headbands: I'm less than in love with those, but I'm hanging onto them. I go through phases, you know. And they do make good
underscarves.

3. Pashmina type of warm shawls. Folded neatly, and put in drawer: black, brown, teal, pale gray/blue, pink, peach. These are nice. I wish they didn't give me hot flashes.

4. Lace mantillas. I have about four of these, and wear them often.

5. large square cotton print scarves. I have several from anokhi.com. These are less lovely than one would imagine. One from target and one from Walmart with long fringe and paisley. These are better colors, being more subtle. I really like them because they stay on my head.

6. Random pile of scarves (mostly long and narrow) that I dub "Church Scarves" for that is what they are. Some tend to be slippery, and so are a fuss and don't get worn quite as often as I like. Should they stay or should they go? Perhaps I should sew
clippies into the ones that are still nice, and get rid of the worn out ones.

7. A pile of silk (most of them, at least) accent scarves: they make good wide headband type of things, but don't provide complete coverage. I hardly ever wear most of them. But always think "what if", so I keep them.

9. Knitted wool hats and berets. I'm sad because one hat I made went through the laundry when it should not have and is now a child sized, felted beret. Looks cute on my youngest dd, though.

9. Homemade calico or plain cotton snoods. Some people look darling in them. I don't look darling in much of anything. I think they need to go. Anyone want them? I think I have six of them: plain white, white eyelet, beige/multi with beige trim, beige/multi with burgundy trim, olive green with black trim and olive green with burgundy trim. Let me know, and if more than one person wants them, I'll put names in a hat and draw one. I only want to ship to one person.

1 am Christmas Morning

2009-12-25T01:00:00.002-05:00

I'm keeping vigil here at home while most of my family is at Church. I had to stay home because B and I both have bronchitis. She's been on her antibiotics a few days longer than myself (I just got sick last night and to the doctor today...it came on very suddenly) and so I'm up coughing a lot.

I might as well stay up and wait on the rest of the family so we can break the fast together with some meat, cheese and milk.

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

This nativity fast has been long and hard, physically. Fasting (and I do it so imperfectly) makes me get on a carb overload kick and I eat and eat and eat...all the wrong things. I tried to make big vats of vegetable soup as often as possible, but there was far too much of the other stuff. Oh, how Ironic. Something that is supposed to help me to become more spiritual just makes me more carnal instead.

But it's good to be at this place of knowing how wretched and broken and messed up I am. Because that way, I can turn to God and ask for His healing and help. Can't do it alone, that's for sure.

I need to go to confession. And there are some things in my life that i need to/want to change.

The person I wished I were: consistent, faithful, devoted to God, prayerful, self denying instead of self indulgent...

Thy Nativity O Christ Our God

2009-12-24T01:16:00.001-05:00

Today All The Angels

2009-12-24T01:12:00.001-05:00

An Arabic Christmas Carol (Byzantine Hymn of the Nativity)

2009-12-24T01:03:00.001-05:00

No Guts, No Glory

2009-12-22T23:40:00.002-05:00

Well, gang, I did it. I went out today (twice!) with ALL my hair covered, AND my neck/chest veiled. You can imagine what I looked like.

and I got a compliment from my husband, too.

(I made sure to wish every store person I encountered a Merry Christmas.).

...been feeling slightly convicted lately. Don't want to harden my already too-hard heart towards this calling/conviction any more. God have mercy.

On Celebrating the Eucharist...from the very early Church

2009-10-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

After this let the deacon pray for the whole Church, for the whole world, and the several parts of it, and the fruits of it; for the priests and the rulers, for the high priest and the king, and the peace of the universe. After this let the high priest pray for peace upon the people, and bless them, as Moses commanded the priests to bless the people, in these words: “The Lord bless you, and keep you: the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and give you peace.” Let the bishop pray for the people, and say: “Save Your people, O Lord, and bless Your inheritance, which You have obtained with the precious blood of Your Christ, and hast called a royal priesthood, and an holy nation.” After this let the sacrifice follow, the people standing, and praying silently; and when the oblation has been made, let every rank by itself partake of the Lord’s body and precious blood in order, and approach with reverence and holy fear, as to the body of their king. Let the women approach with their heads covered, as is becoming the order of women; but let the door be watched, lest any unbeliever, or one not yet initiated, come in.

St Clement of Rome, Constitutions of the Holy Apostles, Book 2, Section 7

Encouragement

2009-09-06T16:31:00.002-04:00

I've gotten some good feedback and I hate to admit I sort of needed it. I'm such a wimp, I guess. Too reliant on others. Or perhaps that is not a bad thing, this living in community with others. Life in Christ, after all, is life in His Church.

So, I've been wearing a snood, for the most part, and feeling fairly good about it.

Please pray for me. I have some health problems which I think go beyond the fibromyalgia, but so many symptoms overlap that I'm not sure.

Well, this week is the celebration of the Nativity of the Theotokos, and it is at her feet that I tend to lay the blame for this head covering interest I have. So, do what you can to honor her. My parish is celebrating with a vesperal Divine Liturgy tomorrow night. After that, my knitting group is getting together at Pannera's for dinner and some knitting. That will be fun.

Will You Still Love Me If I Cover?

2009-09-01T17:00:00.003-04:00

I've wrestled with head covering back and forth off and on for years and years. I was first charmed by the order of Swiss Reformed Deaconesses (think protestant nuns) who were in the church were I grew up. I liked the simplicity of their uniforms. I was intrigued by the idea of a prayer veiling during my early 20's, and tried it out at home "in my prayer closet". It felt right. I was ready to jump in whole-hog when I was a part of a Mennonite group, later in my twenties, but in so doing, found myself running in the opposite direction from the rest of the women in our congregation, much to my sadness. I liked what I was doing but I didn't like feeling "weird".

Enter Orthodox Christianity ca. 1998: There is a tradition of wearing a head covering, based on the Scripture, during Church worship. But barely anyone practices that here in America. It's almost a ludicrous "convert thing", silly American women trying to look like Russian Babushkas, or semi-monastic wannabes. But there was enough of a head covering element that I did not feel too strange. In good conformist fashion I traded in my doilies and caps for things like paisley head scarves and mantillas. A gal's gotta fit in, after all. And besides, everyone at my first Orthodox parish knew me back in my Mennonite days and I figured they figured I was just weird.

So where does this urge to cover my head come from? Why can I never get this off my back, or let it go? Is it a God thing? That seems the height of hubris, when I can think of many baser motives that might be pushing me.

The wrestling with this question and not resting about it, however, almost defines me. Should I? Shouldn't I? What's my real motive? I don't have to but I want to...or I want to want to. Unless I don't want to. And back and forth. Basically, I want to but I want it to be easy instead of hard. I wish I were in a situation where everyone else were dong it. Where it was normal. But I'm not, and it's not.

What is this about for me? Am I obeying/disobeying a Scriptural mandate? Tradition? A pious custom? Am I using religion as an excuse to do what I want to naturally do anyways? What does it all mean to me? (rhetorical questions)

On any given day, my answer to these questions differs. Depending on what? My mood? The weather? My need for privacy or a sense of "modesty"? My desire to "not be weird"?

Does feeling "a call to cover my head" all boil down to an urge to be "different" and to stand out from the crowd? Perhaps I just like scarves and lacy things? Could it be that simple? Perhaps I want to sort of stick it to an anti-feminine culture that would tell me that in order to be a "real woman" I have to be more like a man.

Maybe I just like Fiddler on the Roof and the Mrs. Bennet look (Pride and Prejudice, y'all)?

Maybe the answer to all of these questions is "all of the above".

But I think underneath the waffling lie some very important questions that I'm asking every time I encounter another human being with whom I am in community: Will you still love and accept me if I cover? What if you don't like my reasons for covering? What if my reasons for covering offend you?

What if it's as simple as the fact that I like scarves sometimes? Or that I'm broken, and I tend to make everything about "religion"? What if I'm really feeling like I need to literally obey 1 Cor. 11 and the "pray without ceasing" bit?

Because the kicker is: When I can simply put on that scarf and go about my day, for some reason I'm more prayerful...at least in those moments when I'm not worrying about my scarf.

Broken?...methinks me is.

Nice paisley scarves!

2009-09-01T15:06:00.002-04:00

Ok, they're at walmart, but still...they are pretty. Seven dollars.

At the Dentist

2009-08-29T13:12:00.002-04:00

I took all my kids to the dentist for a cleaning on Wednesday. I went for my cleaning on Thursday. So two days in a row, the dentist and assistant saw me with a scarf/wide headband thingy on. Two of my girls were wearing bandanas, too.

So, on Wednesday, I overheard the dental hygenist speculating to the dentist what religion we were. And then the dentist came in and told me that's she'd told the hygenist that it was just for fashion that we all had on scarves. Because bandanas are so popular with the teenage girls these days.

...I did not really know what to say to that, because I don't belong to a Church the mandates the headcovering. I do sort of go for the incognito effect of "is it fashion, or is it for religious purposes", since I don't want to misrepresent Orthodox Christianity to anyone.

On the other hand, I'm wondering if I sould be bolder.

Pray for this sinner.

This and That

2009-08-24T11:40:00.004-04:00

This morning I got up early and went to Divine Liturgy. It was lovely, in the "little chapel" which is bigger than our former mission parish's rental space. Somehow my voice was not too creaky to sing in the choir.

I"m feeling particularly prayerful today, as a result. God is so gracious to us, in allowing us to be united with Him in the Eucharist. I don't want to let anything spoil that. But I know I will, eventually, being the worst of sinners.

I got out my sewing machine to dink around a bit making some little head coverings out of some scraps of eyelet fabric that I have in my stash. One little snood that fits closer to my head than I thought it would (which is fine, since my hair does not even reach my shoulders yet), and a scrunched up headband type of covering which turned out completely wrong and dumb-looking because I made it too wide. I was just experimenting, anyways.

I'm in that late summer mood of wanting to go through my wardrobe and see what I still have for fall from the past years, and see if there is anything that I need. I always live with the fantasy that some year I will lose a ton of weight and my whole wardrobe will need to be replaced, but that never happens. I think the Lord has been whispering to me that the desire to be thin is just pride and vanity.

Now, I have been working hard at not being a glutton, but rather being moderate and temperate, and that is the spiritual virtue. I should strive for virtue and let my maker decide just how big or small my body is. I think He knows that it is for the salvation of my soul that I not be thin and beautiful.

I doubt that the Mother of God ever spent too much time worrying/obsessing about her figure. What a silly child I am.

On Plain Modesty

2009-08-22T16:51:00.000-04:00

But let thine apparel be plain, not for adornment, but for necessary coversing: not to minister to thy vanity, but to keep thee warm in winter, and to hide the unseemliness of the body: lest under the pretence of hiding the unseemliness, thou fall under another kind of unseemliness by thy extravagant dress. St. Cyril of Jerusalem, Catechetical Lectures (IV)

http://www.orthodox.net/gleanings/modesty.html

Can't....Not....Do...This!

2009-08-20T16:32:00.002-04:00

Well, ladies, here we go again. My off-again on-again headcovering endeavor is on-again. Why? I don't know. Helps me be more spiritually minded. Brings my thoughts to the Lord more. More discipline. More peacefulness.

One day I was standing in the choir loft, singing in the choir during Divine Liturgy on Sunday morning, and I got the distinct impression that the Lord was whispering to me: Do you want to be all mine? ALL mine? Then why are you so worried about fashion and your hair? Have a pure heart for me, instead.

Yes, Lord. Yes!

Why is my heart to unteachable and unbending?

Christians and Hijab...some thoughts

2009-05-08T13:38:00.001-04:00

This article is a cross post of a posting on Morning Coffee. I thought I'd offer it up here as well, since it is on topic.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a fascination with head covering. I've done it, I've not done it. I go back and forth. It's this thing for me. My current practice is to wear a mantilla during Church and for formal prayers at home. I've done doilies, I've done scarves, I've done hats, I've done full time, part time, none at all...the whole gamut.

But one place where I draw the line: looking like something I"m not. And because of that need, to fit into my own particular genre of Christianity, I've shied away from wearing Mennonite bonnets, doilies (since becoming Orthodox) or Hijab. I also don't want to look like a monastic wannabe. That was a thought that struck me really strongly when I visited the monastery at the beginning of lent: I am not a nun, nor a wannabe, and there's always been a strong dividing line, in Orhtodoxy, between the monastics and regular laity, in the sense that we are still in the world, and they are not. Our journey is different. And as a person "in the world, but not of it" I still have to navigate issues like what to wear, or how to present myself...I don't get the "free ticket" of "death to the world" and a monastic uniform that the monastics have. My journey is different. Especially as a woman who is also someone's wife.

It's perfectly possible to find a whole slew of Early Church Fathers, commenting on the first half of 1 Corinthians 11 where one could make a good argument for wearing what constitutes full hijab (which I know people were wearing long before even Christianity came on the scene). But they were the bishops of their people, in that culture. And while their words and their teachings can certainly inform us, and should, we also can't take what was written so long ago and say "this is binding on me" if the current Bishops of the Orthodox Church (by "we" I mean if course, Orthodox Christian women) have not made this rule. Christian modesty rules are pretty clear, and to go above and beyond calling it a religious thing, when really it's just my personal preference, smacks of pride in my heart. Because part of being Orthodox is listening to our bishop and not just making my own personal, private religious pronouncements. Lest we set ourselves up as the judge and jury, and lest we also make a mountain out of a molehill on an issue that is potentially "small fry". (Scripture is scriptures and the traditional interpretation of it, in the context of worship is also abundantly clear, however, which is why I cover in Church. It's a fine line to walk, I guess.)

But is it really a "small fry" issue? Having a heart of purity and spirituality that is controlled by the Spirit of God and not the ways of this world is definitely not a "small" issue. And that is what it boils down to. And what is in one's heart must certainly (and will) make itself known in the choices a woman (or a man) makes in all areas of life, including dress and deportment. Including a head covering.

And then there's the issue of identity. I sort of did a big experiment this past year, and wore a scarf on my head full time. It was hard. I struggled. I loved it and hated it all at the same time. Ultimately, living with the inner conflict was something I decided I couldn't do. I never really felt good about it, or peaceful one way or another. Because of that, I think it's safe to say this might be something I revisit again and again over the years, as the future unfolds. But I doubt I'll ever be 100% sold out on full time head covering the way some are. (I wish I weren't so complicated.)

But while wearing a head covering this past year, I also moved into a new community. I changed jurisdictions and started attending an Orthodox Church that traces it's identity back to the that street in Damascus called Straight, where St. Paul was taken after he was struck blind. Yes indeed. The leader of the Antiochian Orthodox Church in Damascus still resides on that same street. Now there's some history for ya!

And this has given me pause. I'm part of a community, and I need to listen to what my sisters and my brothers in that community have done and said over the centuries. While it may be true that Christian women have been wearing hijab type veiling for a lot longer than Islam has ever been around (as in "we did it first") there's also never been a consensus that this middle eastern style of covering is mandated by Scripture for Christians. The apostles weren't specific on it. In fact it is my understanding that historically, Christian women in the middle east, living in an Islamic context, have typically expressed their Christian identity by NOT wearing a scarf outside of Church, it seems. Sort of an "us" and "them" thing. I could be wrong. This could be a 20th century development like so much else pertaining to this topic. I just don't know.

So part of embracing humility and learning to be a part of my new community has been taking a step back from wearing a full time head covering, to start to learn to listen, with an open heart, to the traditions (small t) of the community of which I'm a part.

Because if nothing else, I've learned over the years that the Orthodox Christian journey is never done alone, but always in the context of the Eucharistic community of the Church.

Now, the other day I was at Walmart with my husband. He was wearing a collared shirt and slacks, as usual, and I had thrown a skirt over my leggings and t-shirt that I'd worked out in, and my hair was up in a little bun. A pentecostal man stopped us and asked us which church we went to. Clearly he thought we were pentecostal, based on our dress. He must not have notices the crucifix. Just goes to show, you can't always not look like some other religion...but one can try.

Time to Say Goodbye

2009-04-19T09:09:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog followers: Christ is Risen!

In a day or so, I am going to shut down this Free to Cover blog. I will continue writing over at Morning Coffee and I hope that you will follow me there, if you aren't already.

My reasons for ending this blog a varied and personal, but I truly hope to see you over at Morning Coffee.

Christ is risen from the dead,
trampling down death by death
and upon those in the tomb bestowing life!

Impressions from Holy Friday

2009-04-17T22:21:00.004-04:00

Sundown to choir music, and a pitch black nave at the end.
Vigilants holding candles-antiphonal choir singing-aching feet.
A corpus icon on the cross-a body on a bier awaiting burial
Arabic lamenting-Greek, English lamenting
procession
ducking low to walk under the icon of Christ's enshrouded body
thinking of Mary and her grief at seeing her Son and her God dead upon the tree
hugs from children
fumbling pages of choir music
holding a candle so the person next to me could see
paying attention to the choir director
feeling tired: all except my voice
taking my shoes off and feeling the cold tile against my bare feet; soothing
the sun shining the the stained glass in the evening, making what looked like a rose pattern on the tile floor
rose petals around the tomb
a smoke filled narthex so thick it would make one cough
Church bells
Vigil
Psalms being canted
lamentations sung
Ancient hymns
tears on faces
tired bodies
lentil soup and homemade bread
kids running in the fellowship hall
conversation
comraderie
introductions
Altoids in the choir loft
six hours of Church and yes we survived
worship as it ought to be and wishing my flesh and my bones did not protest with aches and fatigue and a wandering mind
crying tired children
wailing babies and I'm glad they arent' mine
noticing a well worn prayer rope on someone's arm
Jesus Christ died for my sins, and the sins of all mankind
thinking with sorrow of His suffering and passion
Glory to Thy Passion, O Lord.

Not Covered Enough

2009-04-15T11:21:00.003-04:00

I'm getting to this point where, when I wear a wide headband (the type that unfolds and covers the entire top of my hair) with my hair hanging down, I feel like I'm wearing a wide headband and not a "head covering" for reasons of prayer.

Just observing this about myself. I'll admit there are days when I want to be legalistic about having something on my head, but also want to feel a bit incognito about it all. Those are the days I reach for the wide headband thing.

But then I think I'm missing something.

Often I'll change to a snood, instead.

I think I shall go fetch one right now.

Sigh.

Thinking about Daughters

2009-04-14T16:01:00.002-04:00

Of course the question comes up, when a woman is wearing a head covering, what does she make her daughters do?

For my part, I decided to take a wait-and-see approach, rather than forcing my kids to do something that might cause them to resent me later on. It is, after all, rather "out there".

When we got to the passage in 1 Corinthians 11 during our normal Scripture reading, I read it to them. I explained to them that this is why I wear a head covering.

Net result:

My oldest wears a head covering full time. She and I have not really talked about it very much. It just is.

My second wears a head covering much of the time, and most of the time for Church. When she doesn't cover for Church, it's because she got busy heading out the door and forgot. I do encourage the timely finding of scarves before going out the door to Church.

My youngest, will wear a wide headband type of headcovering for Church if I remind her. She's only nine. I let her be a kid.

On the modesty thing, though, I'm absolutely strict, and I"m happy to report that I have some obedient kids on that score. No mini skirts, no bellies showing, no cleavage...and no pants to Church.

I truly wish other mothers were so strict.

The net result is that most of my girls wear skirts much or most of the time. I don't make that big an issue out of the skirt thing, either...it just seems to be happening. I do secretly wish that one of my girls wore skirts a bit more often, but I choose not to make an issue of it. Nobody's dressing like a boy.

So just by following my example, they are coming along. I've always held that I need to lead by example more than word or rule. It seems to be working. Although if necessary, I will make rules. And I do talk. A lot.

Revival Week, Orthodox Style

2009-04-09T08:51:00.008-04:00

One of the things I like about being an Orthodox Christian, is how we live through the Gospel.

It's true all the time, but at this time of year it is especially obvious. While we do search the Holy Scriptures and seek to be obedient to all it's precepts, what I mean when I say live through the Gopsel, is that we allow the Gospel of Jesus to affect our time. Better than any well-crafted VBS program that might have children "take a walk through the Bible, and re-live the gospel stories", the Orthodox Church does just that, on a grander scale and in a very set form: the liturgical calendar. And at no time is this more obvious than during Holy Week.

This Saturday is Lazarus Saturday. The day Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, caused an uproar thereby and got the pharisees really plotting his death. It's sort of the precursor to what happens next in Holy Week. We gather as a community to hear the story, to see the icon of this event, and to worship our risen Lord. I love Lazarus Saturday because it foreshadowing. One week hence, and the Living One will be lying in a tomb. The Author of Life will be harrowing the place of the dead. And on Lazarus Saturday he gives death a little foretaste of his Authority and Power. Tee hee.

Then on Sunday, it's Palm Sunday. Open your gospels and notice how this event follows the Lazarus event. Jesus comes riding into Jerusalem on the foal of an ass, fulfilling the ancient prophecies, and the children are discerning: Blessed is He that comes in the Name of the Lord. Hosanna to the Son of David.

And so begins Holy Week, in which we walk through the events of Christ's Passion, Christ's Pascha...just as the Jews of Old walked through the Passover event, which foreshadowed Christ. In Christ is fulfilled all things, he is our Passover Lamb, our Pascha (which is merely the Greek word for Passover).

One Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday are Bridegroom services. The bridegroom in the parable of the Ten Virgins in Christ himself, and he tells us to be prepared. We sing "Behold the Bridegroom comes at midnight..." and we watch the events unfold.

On Wednesday the services commemorate is betrayal by Judas. (This is why Wednesday is always a normal fasting day for Orthodox Christians). Also, this is the night for foot washing and holy unction for the sick in soul and body.

On Thursday, as he prepares for the Passion, we find Christ in Gethsemane, and there is a really long special service on Thursday evening of Holy Week in which all the Gospel passages are read that surround the events of holy week, leading up and including the death of Christ. There are twelve readings in all, three selections taken from each Gospel, and this is a very long service.

On Friday, an icon of Christ called the corpus is nailed to an icon of the cross (usually close to life size), while prayers are said to remind us that it is OUR sins which put him on that tree.

And on Friday evening the corpus is brought down, and an icon of Christ's body called the Epitaphios is brought out, and processed around the Church. The first time I ever was a part of this service, years ago, was a very very powerful spiritual experience for me. Experientially, it was as if time collapsed and I really was there, witnessing these events. And I wept and wept and wept. That's the whole point of all of this. We all wear black, and bawl our eyes out and it's like a funeral. I'm not one to equate emotions with spiritual reality, but on Holy Friday, all the sadness is there, and it IS spiritual.

During the night, as the icon of Christ's body is laid in the front of the Church the entire Psalter is read. People take turns.

On Holy Saturday, we gather once again for Liturgy in the morning, and on this day we sing many songs remembering Christ's burial, and his harrowing of hades, and his promise to rise from the dead. There is hope. For in harrowing hell, he harrows my hell, and in trampling death, he tramples my death.

Then, Pascha! The resurrection! We gather at 11 pm on Saturday night. Anticipation! Matins is sung, the ancient psalms of the hours are sung (the same ones used in the pre-Christian Church of Israel) and then, at midnight, the glorious resurrection! The Church is transformed from darkness to light. The vestments are white, where they had been black. The Icon that greets us on the icon stand is the Icon of Christ's resurrection from the dead, pulling Adam and Eve out of their graves. And we pray and we sing and the priest goes crazy with the incense and there are charismatic shouts of "Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!" in as many languages as can be mustered. The resurrection Gospel is read in as many languages as can be mustered, too. The Church goes on for hours this way, and Christ is Risen, and He is our hope and our joy and our salvation!

Then we gather as a community to break the long lenten fast.

Around sunrise we all go home and try to get some sleep. Later that Sunday, we come together again for Paschal vespers. Oh, what joy!

So, that's what I'll be doing this weekend and next week. It's impossible to describe the beauty of it all, the exhaustion too. This week is the joy of my life. It's our revival week.

Please pray that God gives me the strength once again for this journey.

Announcing the Snood Winners!

2009-04-08T09:48:00.004-04:00

Winners are:

Amber
Elizabeth
Geri

AMBER! Wah! You checked my blog, and I said in the video that I'd post the winners and you are one of them! Ack! Hope you check back soon.